It’s not that I’m lonely here. I meet plenty of really great kids. But I miss having a HOME. I have a fantastic room here in Beverly Hills and an incredibly interesting and challenging job but I miss having a home. My home. I miss waking up and hearing my parents fight downstairs. Growing up is painful and costs too much money and hurts and makes you feel like nothing else mattered and you should go home.
But taking the easy way out is exactly that and won’t bring happiness either. I need to stop stressing about how much money I’m spending, ironically, by having a job because cabs are costing me $20 a day. x7 = $140 a week minimum gone.
I’m stressed about money for the first time and it’s not nice and it makes my “dream” feel not worth it.
A week ago, Tumblr e-mailed to say I was one years old. That means, exactly one year ago I had a transatlantic, terrifying dream and within that one year I started living it.
It’s taken balls, a lot of faith, and a lot of strength. When I started this blog I was perpetually frustrated and lost in a seemingly good but soul-sucking job in the dull grey of London. I took a leap, I made some choices without over-thinking and here I am now in Los Angeles in the industry I belong in.
The most important thing for me still is the palm trees and the sunshine and the ocean here. But it’s not all smooth sailing. I had to tear myself away from a very, very comfortable and happy family life in London with my doting parents and the only person I would really give my life for, my brother. That was painful. Sometimes I panic and cry and then have to learn to quickly pick myself up. I’m in a job that really does feel like the first month of the 10 year slog. I just saw Amy Poehler in Undeclared. I mean WTF. That was ages ago. It seems that one must continue sacrificing and taking leaps of faith and living on the edge (which is most stress-inducing) for a good decade before they see their name in any kind of light. Just look at anyone you admire. And so what is tough now is knowing that I am only at the start line. Because the thing is, it took me a good year and half to even get here, but now is when the real work begins. I’m excited… but stressed. And I know I have a LOT of growing up to do before I can really make this work. I just always need to remember to enjoy the journey, now more than ever.
The first month sailed by, almost too easily. I had a place to stay RENT FREE, I bagged an interview, I snagged a dress and turned up, got the job and here I am. That was actually less stressful than right now.
I came home for Christmas and I can feel the pain and stress my parents are being burdened with because of my sudden departure. It’s unfair to them.
Now I need a roof over my head. Not just a roof. I need a safe, secure place which is walkable to Avenue of the Stars, has a private bathroom and plenty of closet space, and is unde $1300 a month. And I need it now. And I need it for 3-6 months. And I need a car. OH and a licence, because I failed my test.
Once work starts I won’t have time to look for a place or pass my driving test at all seeing as Americans can basically no holidays and everything takes fucking forever to happen unless its serendipitous.
And I have to take my entire closet from London to LA now in two unsturdy bags. I’m freaking out.