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The cost of your dreams

I hate eating alone. It makes me cry. 

It’s not that I’m lonely here. I meet plenty of really great kids. But I miss having a HOME. I have a fantastic room here in Beverly Hills and an incredibly interesting and challenging job but I miss having a home. My home. I miss waking up and hearing my parents fight downstairs. Growing up is painful and costs too much money and hurts and makes you feel like nothing else mattered and you should go home. 

But taking the easy way out is exactly that and won’t bring happiness either. I  need to stop stressing about how much money I’m spending, ironically, by having a job because cabs are costing me $20 a day. x7 = $140 a week minimum gone. 

I’m stressed about money for the first time and it’s not nice and it makes my “dream” feel not worth it. 

One year of Volatile Vagina

A week ago, Tumblr e-mailed to say I was one years old. That means, exactly one year ago I had a transatlantic, terrifying dream and within that one year I started living it. 

It’s taken balls, a lot of faith, and a lot of strength. When I started this blog I was perpetually frustrated and lost in a seemingly good but soul-sucking job in the dull grey of London. I took a leap, I made some choices without over-thinking and here I am now in Los Angeles in the industry I belong in. 

The most important thing for me still is the palm trees and the sunshine and the ocean here. But it’s not all smooth sailing. I had to tear myself away from a very, very comfortable and happy family life in London with my doting parents and the only person I would really give my life for, my brother. That was painful. Sometimes I panic and cry and then have to learn to quickly pick myself up. I’m in a job that really does feel like the first month of the 10 year slog. I just saw Amy Poehler in Undeclared. I mean WTF. That was ages ago. It seems that one must continue sacrificing and taking leaps of faith and living on the edge (which is most stress-inducing) for a good decade before they see their name in any kind of light. Just look at anyone you admire. And so what is tough now is knowing that I am only at the start line. Because the thing is, it took me a good year and half to even get here, but now is when the real work begins. I’m excited… but stressed. And I know I have a LOT of growing up to do before I can really make this work. I just always need to remember to enjoy the journey, now more than ever. 

On a side note, my F key just gave way? 

Word: conjecture

  • conjecture

  • kənˈdʒɛktʃə/Submit

  • noun

  • 1.

  • an opinion or conclusion formed on the basis of incomplete information.

  • "conjectures about the newcomer were many and varied"

  • synonyms:

    guess, speculation, surmise, fancy, notion, belief, suspicion, presumption, assumption, theory, hypothesis, postulation, supposition; More

  • antonyms:

    fact

  • an unproven mathematical or scientific theorem.

  • (in textual criticism) the suggestion of a reading of a text not present in the original source.

  • verb

  • verb:

    conjecture; 3rd person present: conjectures; past tense: conjectured; past participle: conjectured; gerund or present participle: conjecturing

  • 1.

  • form an opinion or supposition about (something) on the basis of incomplete information.

  • "many conjectured that she had a second husband in mind"

  • synonyms:

    guess, speculate, surmise, infer, fancy, imagine, believe, think, suspect, presume, assume, hypothesize, take as a hypothesis, theorize, form/formulate a theory, suppose

Word: taciturn

  • taciturn

  • ˈtasɪtəːn/Submit

  • adjective

  • 1.

  • (of a person) reserved or uncommunicative in speech; saying little.

  • "after such gatherings she would be taciturn and morose"

  • synonyms:

    untalkative, uncommunicative, reticent, unforthcoming, quiet, unresponsive, secretive, silent, tight-lipped, close-mouthed, mute, dumb, inarticulate;

Words: Fata Morgana

  • A Fata Morgana is an unusual and complex form of superior mirage that is seen in a narrow band right above the horizon.

  • It is an Italian phrase derived from the vulgar Latin for "fairy" and the Arthurian sorceress Morgan le Fay, from a belief that these mirages, often seen in the Strait of Messina, were fairy castles in the air or false land created by her witchcraft to lure sailors to their death.

  • Although the term Fata Morgana is sometimes incorrectly applied to other, more common kinds of mirages, the true Fata Morgana is not the same as an ordinary superior mirage, nor is it the same as an inferior mirage.

  • From Margaret Atwood's "Stone Mattress":

  • Once the talks are over, Verna goes out on deck. The sky is clear, with a flight of lenticular clouds hovering in it like spaceships; the air is warm; the sea is aqua. There’s a classic iceberg on the port side, with a center so blue it looks dyed, and ahead of them is a mirage—a fata morgana, towering like an ice castle on the horizon, completely real except for the faint shimmering at its edges. Sailors have been lured to their deaths by those; they’ve drawn mountains on maps where no mountains were.

Word: hector

  • hector

  • ˈhɛktə/Submit

  • verb

  • gerund or present participle:

    hectoring

  • 1.

  • talk to (someone) in a bullying way.

  • "she doesn't hector us about giving up things"

  • synonyms:

    bully, intimidate, browbeat, cow, badger, chivvy, harass, torment, plague;

You’ll never be a Hollywood legend if you never leave your house

I’m fucking stressed as fuck. 

The first month sailed by, almost too easily. I had a place to stay RENT FREE, I bagged an interview, I snagged a dress and turned up, got the job and here I am. That was actually less stressful than right now.

I came home for Christmas and I can feel the pain and stress my parents are being burdened with because of my sudden departure. It’s unfair to them. 

Now I need a roof over my head. Not just a roof. I need a safe, secure place which is walkable to Avenue of the Stars, has a private bathroom and plenty of closet space, and is unde $1300 a month. And I need it now. And I need it for 3-6 months. And I need a car. OH and a licence, because I failed my test.

Once work starts I won’t have time to look for a place or pass my driving test at all seeing as Americans can basically no holidays and everything takes fucking forever to happen unless its serendipitous. 

And I have to take my entire closet from London to LA now in two unsturdy bags. I’m freaking out. 

Word

  • florid:

  • ˈflɒrɪd/

  • adjective

  • 1.

  • having a red or flushed complexion.

  • "a stout man with a florid face"

  • synonyms:

    ruddy, red, red-faced, reddish, rosy, rosy-cheeked, pink, pinkish, roseate, rubicund; More

  • antonyms:

    pale

  • 2.

  • excessively intricate or elaborate.

  • "a florid, baroque building"

  • synonyms:

    ornate, fancy, very elaborate, over-elaborate, embellished, curlicued, extravagant, flamboyant, baroque, rococo, fussy, busy, ostentatious, showy, wedding-cake, gingerbread More

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